When the vicar’s been watching too much TV… Episode 2.
- jbharper21q
- Aug 21
- 6 min read
Being ‘relevant’ to modern culture can be a two-edged sword. Yes, it can draw people into the church. After all it is a lot easier to invite a friend to a Star Wars film night (I know for a fact that everyone loves Star Wars) or a sports quiz evening (surely everyone loves sport too) than it is to suggest they may wish to join you for a prayer and praise evening, or even worse the annual church Barn Dance. However it doesn’t always work out. Encouraging children to come dressed as their favourite superhero is fine until you end up with 13 Spidermen, 9 Wonderwomen, 6 Thors, a large green blob that looks like a cross between the Hulk and a bad cold, a Batman and a Catwoman (armed with 3 live cats, which decide to run amok in the building). It’s one thing for the Avengers to assemble, it is another for them to take over the church, to the point where you can’t hear anything the vicar is saying over the chaos of children trying to swing between the pillars, fly round the rafters (with the other family of bats) and save everyone, even if they have already been saved.
Also where do you draw the line. What is considered wholesome enough to be a part of your new ‘trendy’ service. Strictly come dancing would surely make the cut… wouldn’t it? Though you wouldn’t want some of the more senior members of the congregation trying out those flips, lifts and hip roles, not unless the St John Ambulance were having a quiet day and prepared to be on permanent standby. What about the Masked Singer? Would Jesus approve of masked people terrorising us all with their questionable vocal talents? It might be going a little far if members of the Worship Band arrive as giant armadillos or 3 toes sloths. Plus getting the congregation to chant ‘take it off’ whilst the band is playing ‘Gratitude’ may also ruin the reflective vibe they were aiming for.
Despite these issues, drawing on modern culture is certainly a way of attracting new customers (sorry congregants). But as we found out last week, it doesn’t always work. With that in mind let’s move on to stage 3.
Stage 3, time to be dramatic.
There is an unwritten rule in teaching. PE teachers are wannabee sportsmen and women who just didn’t cut the mustard, Art teachers are artists who can’t persuade anyone to buy their artwork, Music teachers would love to play their instruments and perform all day long if they could only make it financially viable and Drama teachers wish a talent scout had spotted them 30 years ago and given them their big break. The same is true in the Humanities world, though possible in less exotic ways. Geography teachers wish they could spend all day wandering aimlessly around the countryside, in the fresh air, measuring things. History teachers are most suited to life in a museum, surrounded by ancient artefacts rather than other humans and RE teachers, well we are just people who weren’t quite holy enough to go into the priesthood.
Likewise church leaders usually have a hidden ability, a suppressed dream. They are either wannabee rock stars, who decided leading worship in church would have to suffice or they dream of being international speakers, prowling the stage and delivering impassioned discourses. Or of course, there are also those who just want to be a reality TV star.
So next week, during the all age slot, instead of performing a short drama sketch written by an ex thespian in the congregation who once played the understudy to Potiphar’s wife in Joseph and his technicolour dream coat at the Hull Truck Theatre, there is what seems to be a feature length parody of Britain’s Got Talent, though it could be the X Factor, the vicar seems to be a little unsure of the difference.
At the front are 4 judges, the vicar themselves, the visiting preacher (who looks uncomfortably bemused), the worship leader (who is holding her guitar as if to prove this isn’t her usual job) and Brian from the sound desk – which may explain why none of the microphones are working. Whilst he scrabbles around on the floor, attempting to find the cause of the problem, several contestants come forward dressed in a variety of costumes, which mostly consist of a dressing gown and sandals. They seem to be characters from the Bible, who are vying to show they have the ‘Cross Factor’. The first contestant is Fiona. She comes out resplendent with a plastic sword, a homemade cardboard circular shield and an Aldi bag for life. You aren’t sure but flicking through your Bible, you suspect she is Deborah, about to lead the congregation in a war with King Jabin of Canaan. She is very convincing, but the rest of the church don’t seem very keen to follow her in her pursuit of glory. She ends up reciting some poetry before getting 4 buzzers.
Next is young Alfie, a very confident 9 year old member of the church who has a toy harp and seems to be singing a psalm. I use the word ‘singing’ in the loosest possible term, giving his lack of knowledge of the words or the tune. To be fair he is only 9 and receives moderately positive feedback.
Finally the usually quiet and timid Mr Blacksmith comes on as some sort of wild man, with a camel hair shirt and what looks like a handheld Sat Nav. You surmise that he is John the Baptist looking for Jesus, or possibly Samson trying to find the barbers. Either way he seems to be performing some sort of magic trick by making the Sat Nav disappear, he is going to struggle to find his way home now.
The judges enjoy pressing their buzzers and giving advice. Alfie is told to work on his singing, rather than playing with Jonathan, he looks thoroughly confused. Deborah, it turns out, is actually Mary Magdelene and she is told to spend less time with men and more time helping others. Fiona winks inappropriately at this point, making Brian the sound guy blush furiously. That’s a talent, normally nothing phases him! Finally John the Baptist is told to spend less time with people and more time building a boat… in hindsight he might have been Noah. The theme of the sketch seems to be about, spending more time listening to God, something that could have just been said 31 minutes ago.
Still by the end of the service the vicar is thrilled and next week is planning on staging a life-sized re-enactment of the Walls of Jericho in the style of Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey. They’ve already put out a call to the congregation for cardboard boxes, trumpets and anyone who might have a spare ark of the covenant lying around!
It is worth saying that if you were ever planning a church coup, this would be the moment. If not, you might end up in stage 4 where the vicar asks you, with a pleading ‘do it for Jesus’ expression, to take part in a 2-day film shoot, on location in a tent in Derbyshire during winter. The result being a feature length film of ‘Jesus… the Return of the King’ with horsemen of the Apocalypse instead of Nazgul and your son being cast as a very cold hobbit. A film they will then make everyone watch for the 3rd Sunday in a row.
To conclude, I think we can all agree, there are times when the Vicar has watched too much TV. These are times when, as a church, you may wish for guidance or advice… unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do except hope their tastes don’t change. Who knows what they will do if they suddenly start watching Squid Games or Rivals.
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