What to do when the preacher won't stop.

Picture the scene, you are sat on a slightly uncomfortable seat, there is a genuine nip in the air despite it only being September and in front of you the preacher is coming to the end of their 20 minute talk. Your mind however isn’t on their inspirational words, but instead is picturing the Sunday roast waiting for you when you get home. Mouth watering, you can almost taste the slightly underdone beef, crispy roast potatoes, rosemary covered parsnips and of course, giant Yorkshire puddings. You shuffle expectantly in your seat, waiting for the pastor to retake their seat… but no. Instead they simply turn the page in their notes and continue talking. Only then do you realise that this isn’t the end of the talk! Instead it is merely the beginning of the speaker’s second point. A quick look at the reading, 1 Samuel 3, and you realise that the preacher has only covered the first 5 verses so far. God has called Samuel, but he still mistakenly thinks it is Eli asking for a cup of tea or an extra blanket. There are another 16 verses to go before the future prophet realises it is God and answers the Lord’s call on his life. 16 more verses!

Looking around you see the same realisation ripple across the faces of your fellow congregants. At this rate you may have to forgo Sunday lunch and turn it into a cooked tea. Perhaps a hot roast baguette with a baby leaf salad and a little fresh mozzarella. As you mentally go through the contents of your fridge the preacher begins their second point.

Ten minutes later they are still on that point, and you have completely lost the thread of what the preach is about. They may still be on God calling Samuel and how we, like him, need to listen out for a call. However it could also have moved onto Daniel’s attempt to start a safari park or Samson getting a quick shave. To be fair, for all you know the preacher could be regaling you with stories of their holiday bathing in the warm seas of Grand Canary… again. Instead you are faced with one of the Church’s eternal questions. What to do when the preacher won’t stop?

Fortunately you have a number of options as we are about to find out:

1)        Pray hard.

This is always a good option in church. Ask God if He could somehow give you the mental willpower to remove the tired fog from your brain, which let’s be honest wasn’t helped by staying up to 3am watching a 0 v 0 draw between Ecuador and Curaçao. Alternatively you could focus your prayers on the preacher themselves. See if God might give them a nudge, not a physical one, you don’t want them to fall off the stage… do you? No, probably not. How about a hint that enough is enough. That, or ask Him to send a strong ‘Pentecostal’ breeze, to blow the preacher's notes off the music stand, out the door, across the street, through the car park and into the nearby river.

2)        Use the time to do something constructive. 

If you are anything like me then you are always complaining that you don’t have enough time. Well now you do. Pick up that pen you found stuffed at the bottom of your bag and find a scrap piece of paper. Any paper will do, even the back of the weekly church newsletter. After all you don’t really need to know that crochet club is having a week off because they meet on a Thursday morning when you are at work. Not that you would attend anyway, the only time you tried crocheting, you asked where your second needle was, and your attempt to make a hat ended up looking more like a holy blanket… not a religious one mind you.

You can then use said pen and paper to write your shopping list, so you don’t forget the milk, eggs, orange juice or bread… again. Alternatively, you could sketch out designs for the new flower bed that your spouse has been nagging you to create for the last 7 months or even plan next week’s Year 9 lessons (or whatever the equivalent that non-teachers do to prepare for work).

Alternatively you could subtly take out your mobile phone, hide it under the piece of paper and quickly google other churches in the area, preferably ones with 5* reviews and much shorter services.

 3)        Get a quick caffeine top up and persevere.

If you haven’t planned ahead and smuggled an energy drink into the service, you may have to nip to the back and hope they are still serving coffee. If they are, don’t bother with a tasty, freshly brewed mug. It might taste nice but will be far too weak for the required purpose. Instead, take a teaspoon, or better still a tablespoon and half fill the mug with instant coffee granules, then add a dash of water. It needs to be drinkable, you don’t want to have to chew your caffeine pick me up, but in reality the thicker, the better, you really need the kick. Then with the caffeine coursing through your body, you might stand a chance of listening to what the preacher is saying. Every word… whilst fidgeting somewhat in your seat and swinging your legs vigorously under the chair.

4)       Drastic times call for drastic actions.

You could choose to draw the speaker’s attention away from their notes and towards the dozing congregation. But how to do that? There are some techniques which are never going to be acceptable in church.

-       Storming the stage, with a ‘Just stop preaching’ T-Shirt and handful of orange powder.

-       Shouting out in a bid to distract them from their notes. Except of course by calling out phrases such as, ‘Praise God’ and ‘Hallelujah’. These are generally permissible in church but may also make the preacher believe you are enjoying their talk, decreasing the chance of them ending anytime soon.

-       Stealing the microphone. On the surface this may seem like an excellent solution. No microphone, no talk, but sadly stealing isn’t deemed acceptable in church, it’s a commandment thing.

So what can you do? You could pretend to spot a large spider or wasp, fake (or not) a phobia of them and make a commotion. This is well within the bounds of socially acceptable behaviour, as long as you ask it like a question… ‘Is that a spider?’ after all you don’t really want to lie either.

Alternatively you could fake a coughing or choking fit. The louder and longer, the more likely the preacher will be disturbed from their passionate talk. However, you may have to accept that the well meaning couple behind you, might start to pummel you on your back, very vigorously, in an attempt to save your life. Plus no-one is going to shake your hands in the peace just in case you are highly contagious (but that may be an added bonus).

Finally it is always worth knowing where the mains trip switch is, in case you run out of options and realise the only way to put a stop to things is to plunge the building into darkness. Physical darkness, you understand, not a spiritual one.

5)        Don’t bother, just give up. 

Sit back, close your eyes and start to plan your next summer holiday. Perhaps you could follow in the footsteps of Paul and travel round the Med and Turkey, possibly without any shipwrecks, imprisonment or regular flogging. These might not lead to the relaxing time you feel you deserve. Instead think about those amazing beaches, the tropical sunsets and the food, yes the food. Though try not to dwell on this too much, or you may find your stomach kicks into overdrive and tries to drown out the preachers words with its rumblings. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. A rumbling stomach is one thing, the sound of snoring is completely different and not something generally appreciated by church leaders throughout the country.

Don't feel you are restricted to just one of these options, you can always mix and match. Though be warned, drinking extra strong coffee might make your prayers a little unfocussed and your writing a little on the shaky side. There is another choice of course, you could listen, take in every word that is being said and reflect on what God might be saying to you through this marathon of a preach. After all there might be a reason it is so long, other than the preachers love of talking, maybe you still have a lot to learn!

Conclusion

Now I am sure this isn’t a problem in your church. In fact, I am pretty confident that whoever is preaching this Sunday, their message will be concise and full of absolute gems which you’ll be desperate to share at work on Monday. But just in case it isn’t, you might want to come forearmed with pen, paper, a flask of extra strong coffee, a travel guide to Bali and electrical schematics for the building. After all, it is always best to be prepared.

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