Trying to escape church when the service is over...
Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, Dora the Explorer, Bilbo Baggins… they have all faced great peril and challenges in fulfilling their quests. The search for riches can be perilous and fraught with danger. So can attempting to escape church at the end of a Sunday service. Okay so there may not be as many mummified skeletons, raging goblins or giant stone balls trying to crush you… well there aren’t at my church anyway though I can’t vouch for yours. Despite this, getting out the building unscathed can be the greatest challenge a regular church goer will ever face. There I am on a tight schedule. I have to get back in time to cook Sunday lunch and then get settled with a cup of tea and a piece of lemon drizzle cake in time for the 1pm kick off on TV.
Yet somehow it is deemed socially unacceptable to ‘just leave’. I don’t get it, the service is over, why isn’t everyone heading for the doors. This doesn’t happen at the Theatre, or the Cinema, or at the football, or in my classroom at the end of a lesson. Students don’t stand around in the doorway discussing what we have learnt and debating whether Paley or Hume were correct in their arguments for a Designer God. They are out the door before I have time to remind them that they’ve got homework due in next lesson.
Not in church… here you are expected to make small talk, join in critiquing the service and even worse, you are often hunted by those who want to sign you up to yet another ‘godly event’. If you do try to make a run for it you are likely to face a number of obstacles, a number of challenges, and just like Indiana Jones himself you will have to try and overcome them.
Obstacle number one… people in the way: I generally have a coffee before the service. Some like them afterwards but I like to sip mine whilst warming up my vocal chords. This means at the end I have a dirty coffee mug to return. I went to the Theatre the other day and was appalled at the state of the place. Cups, glasses, popcorn tubs, popcorn pieces, sweet wrappers, a ruck sack and the remains of a MacDonald’s take away were all lying scattered between the rows. It was shocking. One of my great frustrations in life is when people don’t clear up after themselves, as if it is someone else’s job to do so. Therefore, I always take my mug back. The problem is the mug goes in the dishwasher tray which is right at the back of church.
I try to navigate the crowds, but it is nearly impossible. Every accessible walkway is blocked. Why is it that people in church feel the need to have conversations in the aisles. There are plenty of other places. No-one stands on the stage or by the toilets, or outside in the fresh air. Instead, they clog up the small gap between the rows of chairs, meaning it is near impossible to make my way through. What do they have to talk about anyway? Yes the preach was very good and challenging but judging by the laughter I doubt they are engaging in an exegesis of the book of Job.
You are blocked, and like your exploring heroes before, you are faced with a choice. Either you clamber over the seats, scramble on the floor commando style or barge your way through, knocking a few of the older or smaller ones out the way first. That or you take a seat and play a sudoku on your phone for the next 15 minutes until a rogue gap emerges.
Obstacle number 2… the friendly feedback. No matter what your involvement in the service, whether you were preaching, leading worship, doing the tech, stewarding people to their seats, handing out flyers or making the drinks, someone will make a beeline for you to give ‘friendly feedback’. When I say friendly feedback I mean criticism masquerading as advice.
“Thank you for handing out the invites to next week’s Healing service but ‘if’ you do it again could you place them next to the seat not on them, then we won’t sit on them by mistake” queue gentle passive aggressive laugh.
“The coffee was lovely but just a tip, try not to use the same spoon to stir the tea with, I could taste a hint of cross contamination in my cup. I can show you how to do it properly next time if you would like”.
“Your prayers were lovely today, much better than last time when they seemed to go on forever.”
“Thank you for leading the worship… I really enjoyed it. Except for the new one, I don’t think we need to try that one again, do we!”
Avoiding these are difficult and unless you are skilled at biting your tongue and smiling through the most gritted of teeth, may end up taking a while to resolve, making you even later.
Obstacle number 3… the hunt. I have fond memories of watching Jurassic park at the cinema as a 13 year old. It was a truly groundbreaking film and the first time I watched something and believed that the dinosaurs were really there. I recall the scene when the two children are being chased by the raptors, these highly intelligent creatures were tracking them, blocking their escape routes, all our heroes could do was hide and hope for the best.
The same can be true at the end of church. This is when the raptors come out. No I am not suggesting we have prehistoric lizards roaming around our building. The only animals we get is the odd lost butterfly and the occasional bird visiting in the rafters. But there are a number of people on the prowl and if you want a quick exit, it is your job to avoid them. They want you to, sign up for the bring and share lunch, come to next week’s prayer meeting which has been moved to 6:00am to avoid clashing with work (so you can’t use that excuse again), see if you are free to make the football team (last time you bruised your knee so badly after a vicious tackle that you had to limp round school the next day – much to the amusement of your students), or even worse sign up to help with the summer holiday club. This inevitably means the first week of your holidays will be taken up with looking after children! How is that a holiday? It’s just like being back at work except they have shrunk in size, which makes it even harder!
The key to escape the hunting packs is to clock where they are, clipboard in hand, and wait for the moment they have cornered another victim, then make a run (well a fast-paced walk) for it, watching as you do for other potential attackers lurking in the undergrowth.
Finally you reach the doors, your quest is almost over. But just as you think you are safe, the vicar or pastor is waiting, cunningly positioned just out of sight, slightly round the corner in the fresh air. They want to know if you will help out with the Youth service next week. You desperately look around as if hoping a divine messenger might suddenly appear and offer to do it themselves. Sadly there is no-one else around, the rest of the congregation being back inside, still talking in the aisles and being signed up to the monthly Scrabble night. You have no choice, your only ticket to freedom is to agree. Like Indiana Jones, you can’t win them all.
