How to avoid the welcome committee!
I have very exciting news. Okay so it isn’t the sort of news that is going to turn around our flagging economy, bring down the price of petrol or prevent conflicts from breaking out across the world. It is much smaller scale excitement. The sort of excitement that you feel when your Pastor apologises that today’s preach is going to be really short, or you meet someone who has read your blog… and actually enjoyed it.
What is the news? I can picture you now, on the edge of your seat, as you try and work out what I could possibly be about to share. Am I going to give away free tickets for an all-inclusive holiday to one of the world’s great cities, Barcelona, Sydney, New York or Hull? Has the worship leader at your local church (after reading last week’s blog) decided to turn over a new leaf and stick to playing songs the way they were written for once? Or has the unthinkable happened and your seasoned church choir have been head hunted to appear on the next season of Britain’s Got Talent?
No... unfortunately my news isn’t that exciting.
I feel I should have started with, ‘I have moderately interesting news’, or ‘I have exciting news for me’, which is where this is going. You see, after two years of working on it, my latest book is finally ready. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get your hopes up that Sunday’s service is going to be a vast improvement on last week’s debacle. Surely the vicar can’t try and get you doing a conga round the church again, especially after having to call an ambulance… twice.
Anyway, back to the book. It hasn’t been easy but it is finally ready. What is the book about, I hear you ask? Well, I feel the title sums it up… ‘How to Survive a Church Service’, a comedy guide to church life. So, with that in mind I thought I would share an excerpt from it as this week’s blog. However, I do ask a couple of things… firstly if you like it, please tell everybody you know including your vicar, house group leader, next door neighbour and even your chiropodist (whether you have an upcoming appointment or not). Secondly, if you don’t like it then please don’t let anybody know… unless you think they might like it instead, in which case add them to the list! I am sure you get the idea.
Excerpt from Chapter 3: How to choose where to sit.
Now it isn’t always the vicar or leader who is waiting to tackle unsuspecting visitors. In fact, most churches have someone who takes it upon themselves to find out as much as they can about anyone new, by whatever means necessary. If you attend church regularly, I know you are picturing them right now. No matter where they are in the building, the moment a new pair of shoes walks through the door (polished or not), they sense it and immediately leap into action, knocking over the odd juice carrying child and tea sipping octogenarian in the process. They have to be, and will be, the first to greet newcomers and it usually goes something like this.
Welcomer: “Hi, is this your first time?”
The guest looks around a little unsure, clearly trying to work out where to sit.
Guest: “Er Yes.”
Welcomer: “Excellent, do you know what you are doing?”
Guest: “Not really.”
Welcomer: “Do you like coffee?”
Guest: “No, not really.”
Welcomer: “Probably a good thing, how about a tea?”
Guest: “Yes.”
Welcomer: “Well that’s good, we serve tea but not until after the service so you can’t have one now, but at least it’s something to look forward to.” Short pause, “What do you do for a living?”
Guest: “Pardon.” (Still a little dazed by the whirlwind conversation).
Welcomer: “I was wondering if you were a professional musician or international speaker. We are always in need of them, as you’ll find out if you stay for the service.”
Guest: “No, I work in a Supermarket.”
Welcomer: “Oohh, which one?”
Guest: “Sainsbury’s.”
Welcomer: “Oh dear, I don’t shop with them. I go to Asda. I like the colour of the staff uniforms. Never been a fan of orange you see. Do you like orange?”
Guest: “It’s ok, but I work in the office, so I don’t have to wear the uniform.”
Welcomer: “Well never mind, maybe you will get to be on the checkout if you keep working at it. Would you like a newsletter, we usually email them out but as you are new you can have a printed copy. Also, there is a welcome pack, and a copy of the song words in large print, in case you struggle to see the screens. Plus, you can have a Bible, but we will need it back at the end, NIV or CEV, your choice? Also, there is a little library here of inspiring books. You could take 3 or 4 to browse through and maybe…”
Guest: “I’m fine thanks.”
Welcomer: “Well maybe just these ones then.” With that the welcomer hands a huge wad of paper and books to the visitor who starts to glance back towards the door.
Welcomer: “Are you married?”
Guest: “Sorry?”
Welcomer: “Married? Have a partner? Living in sin?”
Guest: “What?”
Welcomer: “Well we have a group of young single people that meets on a Thursday. Do you have children?”
Guest: “No.”
Welcomer: “Probably for the best if you aren’t married, as the church tends to frown on such things. How about knitting. We have a lovely knitting club on a Tuesday morning.”
Guest: “I just want…”
Welcomer: “Oh and if you leave your name, address, phone number and social media accounts with me I will sign you up to the invite list. Then you will get details about our up and coming services and an invite to a welcome meal on a Sunday after church with one of our welcome families.”
Guest: “I really am fine.”
Welcomer: “Then we can invite you to Alpha as well. You will love Alpha. It starts next week. We can definitely sign you up, as we have seven spaces. Do you want to bring a friend?“
Guest: “I’m not sure…”
Welcomer: “Good, good, just fill the form in then.”
Guest: “Why do you need my social media accounts?”
Welcomer: “Well you can never be too careful can you. You might be catfishing me.” (Giggles at own joke).
Guest: “I think I’ll just find a seat.”
Welcomer: “Excellent idea. Why don’t you come and sit with me.” With that the welcomer puts an arm round the guest and half pulls them towards a seat right in the middle of the church.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there and have the scars to prove it, well three books on prayer and an invite to the church’s crochet club anyway. Alternatively, there are the times when you are visiting a church for the first time, perhaps on holiday, and the welcome committee pounces on you, hoping to convert you on the spot. They have clearly been on an evangelism course and are ready with a handful of gospel tracts, Nicky Gumble’s Why Jesus and a direct debit gift form. Yet the moment you tell them that you are just visiting for the week, their faces drop like a stone through a wet paper bag. You aren’t going to increase their weekly attendance statistics, they won’t be able to tell their friends for weeks to come, how they brought you to Christ before the first hymn. Instead, you are faced with disappointment and dejection, as you are grudgingly welcomed to the church and left to find your own seat.
It is said that first impressions count and it is fair to say, that as a church, we don’t always get the welcome right…
To find out more about How to Survive a Church Service, go to www.jbharper.com and where you will also find out about my very exciting book launch event coming up on Friday 6th November.
Alternatively you could just pre-order the book now via Amazon.
To find out more about my blogs go to www.jbharper.com/blog and sign up to be sent emails when new blogs are out.
